a breakdown

Do you ever just get frustrated with the way the world is?! I hate that Africans look at me and tell me that I’m supposed to help them. And it’s our own fault – my ancestors have come time and time again to say – white is superior and “here to help.” I hate that I don’t openly trust Africans as easily as I would a Muzungu. I hate what Americans think about Africans and I equally hate what Africans think about Americans. I feel like there is no winning. I’m just at wits end about how people treat one another and the social statuses and the competition – and all you can bring yourself to say is “I can’t take this.” We are so rotten, filled with this sin and that’s what we are. At the end of everyday we’re fallen people.
I have ever been shocked at mud huts and 3rd world countries. I have never gone into someone’s home – made out of palm branches and sticks – and thought, “wow they have nothing.” Is that wrong of me? - That I’ve never been moved by their situation that they have so little. We look at people see everything they don’t have. And somehow we think it’s our place to say that they should live to our standard. I’ve never left somewhere and said gosh – wow – that’s terrible. That sucks.
However, when I walk into the middle class home I think – wow – this sucks. I have been emotionally moved numerous times at these homes – thinking “wow they have so much they don’t need.” They are buying a new TV when they don’t need one – their dishwasher isn’t perfect because it leaves residue – and they have electric toothbrushes instead of the regular plastic ones. I look at that and feel bad. I judge the middle and upper classes just as harshly as they themselves judge the lower class. The oddity is that I’m not lower class. I was raised middle class and I fight it every single day of my life. It’s not easy to consciously decide everyday that I’m not going to pursue material possessions. It’s funny because this house I live in here in Jinja is a better house than the one I live in back home – minus the heating and air.
I can’t stand us - people being perfectionists about coffee, and clothing, and everything else under the sun. We are spoiled people. And I mean spoiled in the literal meaning of – this is rotten and sour. And I’m not saying I’m not the same way. Gosh – I love my avocados to be perfect and I’m a stickler about my paintbrushes. I’m exactly the same as everyone I’m talking about. But so often I stop to look around and realize that I’m the only one fighting it.
And at the end of the day we’re all people. We are all fighting sicknesses, and we never have enough money, and we deal with husbands leaving and babies dying and alcohol addictions and we’re the same! We are all humans everywhere we go and we struggle with the exact same things every single day. The question is not whether or not the human struggle is real. I think there is more question to whether or not the battle goes to the extent we perceive it to be.
How do I give back everything my ancestors have taken from these Africans for the past 600 years? Even just physically existing in this continent I’m reinforcing everything.
I can’t handle it. I really can’t. I feel so helpless and am so angry, frustrated, and disheartened by it all. I want it all to dissolve and Jesus to come back. He’s my only answer and my only peace. And at the end of the day – that’s all I have. That’s my only resolve. I will weep everyday until he comes back to restore us in full completeness.

baby sarah

So this is baby sarah two weeks after being taken in by Rene from Feeding His Children. She's 14 months old and two weeks ago weighed only 3 kilos. thats 6.6 pounds. She couldn't even sit up on her own. After two weeks she's gained 4 pounds and is sitting up as you can see in this picture! Her mother was poisoned by a friend and died two weeks before a family member brought Sarah to Rene. Sarah's 12 year old sister was her only caretaker for those two weeks.

She's going to live - and we're excited about it.

horton the hemorrhoid

so.... after a year of rectal bleeding and no answers.....

Africa came to the rescue!

My doctors in the states never gave me any answers or any close just "we didn't find anything...sorry" well, thanks to dr. debbie, i finally found out I have an internal hemorrhoid. I named him Horton, because it never hurts and has been mysteriously sending me messages from within my body for over a year. Like horton hears a who. but theres no flowers involved. He's kindred spirits with Helga - Hannah rae's ovarian cyst that was as big as a football.

i'm happy. & i was right - theres nothing to worry about and nothing i can do about it.

always keepin it real, love jackie.

Bujumbura, Burundi =]

more to come soon!

the nile

Americans.......

as a disclaimer i would like to say that in no way shape or form is it possible for me to be able to be specific about the certain population within america that i am talking about. I understand that most of you reading this strive to rise above this, and i don't mean to offend you or put you in a box. But as i have learned in college, when we decided to look at the world as a whole, we must look at each country as though they were one person. I understand that there are varying ethnic, religious, and economic groups in the U.S. but as a country we output a single image of America. I am describing the perception of America from an outside view.

Honestly, at the end of the day, I have to get this off my chest. These are raw and incomplete thoughts.

why do we as americans think that the entire world should live like us? that we should set this high standard and show it to the rest of the world to follow. we are arrogant. we are ignorant. we think that everyone should live like us. here's the thing - don't flaunt your life to people who know they can't ever have your life. we think we're setting a good standard, a good bar for people to aspire to. these people don't need inspiration. they don't need hope. is walking around, with all your jewelry on, fancy clothes, buying expensive food, and asking to be waited on hand and foot is a good idea? i think about the women i work with. if they had the chance, if they ever had the opportunity to live to a better standard they would and they try and they struggle. we're asking them to chase money and a lavish life. in the documentary The Lost Boys, we see that many of the boys who end up coming to america end up getting caught up in the disease of america. wanting things they can't have, nothing ever being good enough. that when we have the money the first thing we should do is remodel our bathroom that we just remodeled a year ago. it's in the nature of people. we are naturally and inherently selfish. we can't look at these boys and say that it's because they're sudanese. no - it's because we show them a life where we build multimillion dollar idols manifested in the form of sports arenas, homes, and savings accounts. I understand that i am part of the problem. here i am sitting on my macbook writing a blog about americans flaunting what they have. But i'm trying to promote equality the best i can. i know that i will never be equal as long as i am american and as long as i am white, but it's one thing to sit and flaunt, and to dwell and live with these women we're working with. It means eating their food that i don't like. It means helping them roll beads and clean their homes. it means showing them that i'm not too good for their lifestyle. These women go through trial after trial after trial. it's not just one problem. first their parents are slaughtered by the rebels, then they no longer have money for school, then their eldest brother beats them, so then they flee to a new land where they're alone, then they can't find a job because they couldn't finish school, then they marry to have a future, then that husband dies, then she's taking care of 6 children on her own, then her brother dies and she gets 2 more kids to take care of. then she's struggling to work and the ends don't meet, she can't afford a mosquito net, so her baby dies of malaria, and she can't afford rice so she has to feed her children posho to keep them from dying. she never sleeps and she is a relentless worker, doing absolutely everything she can for her family despite her situation. we look at them and judge them for not taking care of their kids, or brand their country as a hopeless cause when that country as a whole has more hope than all of the western world. and it's not a petty selfish hope. these women's dreams are to provide school fees and to feed their children, and to own a home so they can take in more orphans. I refuse to reinforce that the american way is the right way.

Before we decide what they should or shouldn't have - or what standard they should live up to -we need to go and live with them and dwell with them and listen to their stories. Lets not be so quick to tell them how they should live. because if they had a choice they would live to a different standard - and it wouldn't be the american one. it would be their own - one that is full of hope and love for one another.

one more thing - i'm sick of christians who say that they need to dress in expensive clothing and look presentable in order to be respected to effectively preach the world of god. kingdom of god - lets get our act together. this is not the gospel of jesus christ.

necklace class

baby patrick... we had a great time together laughing and playing. Some susu and smiles.
It took forever to get a photo of him laughing. I could make him giggle and coo all day but as soon as the camera came up, he would immediately stop. haha. you could see his face go blank through the lens as you took the shot. I took a million before i got this one.



below, jaja margaret threads her seabeads for the april showers necklace.